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March 13, 2013

The Choice of a Friend


Please excuse the fact that I'm not wearing makeup, but I still love this photo of me and my BFF Alicia (with another bun in the oven, at the time) and our girls, last summer. We have disagreed, argued, gone days without speaking to each other. But we are always-and-forever friends. We've gone years without seeing each other, but always pick up as though we still live across the street. And I treasure her so.

Do you ever want to quit friendships? Whatever your answer, you're probably thinking that's an awful way to begin a blog post. And maybe it is. But I'm going to be honest here and say that, sometimes, I want to quit friendships. Sadly, I don't think women grow out of the Mean Girls years of middle and high school. We all have problems with our girlfriends, don't we? Isn't that why the great majority of women say that they don't get along with other women? That they prefer "the guys." Cancelled plans, immaturity, hurt feelings -- they are the plagues of friendships between women.

Something I'm learning, though, is that we do have a choice. A couple of months ago, this quotation popped up in my Twitter feed: 

If you meet someone whose soul is not aligned with yours, send them love and move along.

I often find myself struggling in friendships. I rake myself over the proverbial coals, wondering how I can change all the things about myself that I'm worried annoy my new friends. I talk too much. I'm a know-it-all. I'm blunt. Well, though I have learned to tone myself down a bit (I think), it's impossible to change who I am at my core. Why do I try? Why do I frustrate myself in this way? Self-improvement in the reflection of Christ is righteous. Self-deprecation is soul-crushing. 

I want to honor God, and myself, in friendship. And, after a time, it's okay if that means stepping away, wishing someone the very best, and moving on. It's okay to thank God for placing that person in your life for a season, and to realize that season has ended. 

God wants us to love others as we love ourselves, but I don't believe He wants us to make the choice of putting our emotional well-being at stake for the sake of saving face ... because we feel like we have to. 

Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." - 1 Corinthians 15:33

True friendship is valuable beyond measure. True friendship is love. Choose your friends wisely, and be a blessing to them.

A friend loves at all times ... - Proverbs 17:17

24 comments:

  1. loooooove this post, friend. I couldn't agree more...I've had a few friendships that I've had to "let go" because they were not life giving. It can be so hard, but like you said, sometimes friendships are just for a season. <3 you! (And LOVE your adorable picture! Maile is so little!)

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    1. Thank you, friend. I have a really hard time letting go of people. I think, even though I'm a pretty blunt person, I also have the "fix-it" gene -- you know what I mean? "I can fix them!" I can't. God can. And I can pray for them ... I can even pray to be used in that process, but *I* can't fix them.

      <3 you!

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  2. Perfect points. It's sometimes so hard not to say something in the beginning of a friendship to encourage it, even though you know it's kind of doomed. And it's even harder to end a toxic friendship when you have history! I actually just wrote a post about how hard it is for me to go in to groups of women because I feel like they still are so cliquey. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, but I totally agree that there's still a lot of the Mean Girls highschoolness out there. But doesn't it make it that much nicer when you find a great friend?!

    http://themurrayedlife.blogspot.com/2013/03/bring-back-bars.html

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    1. So very true, Christina! I'm off to read your post now.

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  3. I freaking love you. You're never not allowed to be my friend, because I'd break down your door and plop on the couch with some orange juice and popcorn and stay there forever. :)

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    1. Love you, too!

      PS - It makes me ridiculously happy that Maile loves garlic popcorn with orange juice. :)

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  4. AMEN!!!
    So well said.
    And a great reminder at a great time for this Mumma!

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  5. Cute photo of you and your friend! Your daughter looks adorable (as usual). Friends are one of the best people in our lives. :)

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    1. Thank you, Marie!

      Friends are indispensable, aren't they. :)

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  6. Ohhh....how I've been thinking about this lately. I think it's hard...when a friend isn't uplifting anymore, I think it's necessary to still be kind to them, but send them with love like you said, and leave them be.

    Thanks for this!

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    1. Absolutely, Ashley. And unfortunately, as women, sometimes it's the leaving them in kindness and grace that is the hardest part, I think! Traits to aspire to.

      Thank you for commenting!

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  7. Friendship can be so hard. I am not sure whether is it true that it is easier to be friends with guys, as many of us claim, or whether we simply expect more/different things from our friendships with women. Either way, what you have written is true. A good friend can be hard to find, and therefore they are so precious!

    Some Snapshots Blog
    Jess

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    1. A really good point you raise, Jess. Maybe we're just conditioned to believe that friendships with men are simpler? Thinking on it, ALL the media we're exposed to as girls certainly introduces / reinforces this idea. Sounds like good thesis material to me! Haha.

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  8. I sooooo have the fix-it gene too!:-) This is definitely something I was learning, (still am), a year ago with a few of my friendships. Relationships are messy and imperfect, just like the people that make them up. Making room for grace is something I'm working on! xoxo

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    1. For sure! I think if, as you say, we surrender ourselves to the truth that relationships and people are messy and imperfect, more friendships would be successful.

      <3

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  9. I can totally relate to this. You should never have to change yourself, and this goes for relationships too.
    I don't know how you do it, but I feel like you're just taking my thoughts out of my head, bringing them out of the jumble that they are constantly in, and writing it out in a way that makes perfect sense.
    This is so perfect.
    And you don't even have to excuse yourself for not wearing makeup! You are beautiful friend!

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying so ... because most of the time, when I write out a post like this, I feel like it doesn't make any sense! But all that matters is that it makes sense to someone. :)

      And you're the sweetest.

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  10. So true. Over the years I have made new friends, let go of some and kept a few. It seemed like during my younger days, I had tons of friends but then again come to realize it, they were just a circle of people that I had common interest with. As I age, I have learned that having a few friends you can always count on is a whole lot better than having a lot of strangers whom you can just share a couple drinks with. I have also learned that some friends are toxic friends, the kind that only come to you when they have a problem then magically disappear when everything is ok. Friends are like family, they help us grow to become a better person, so I really do believe that we should choose our friends wisely and that we should always know the difference between friendship and acquaintance. =)

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    1. So funny that you bring that up. I find it interesting the people I've stayed in touch with from college, for example ... Many of them, I wasn't even that close to *in* college, but in "adulthood", our life trajectories have showed us how similar our value systems are, and we're much better friends now. Some people I swore I'd never lose touch with, I've grown apart from -- not because they aren't wonderful people, simply because we really have absolutely nothing in common anymore, which is fine! I still enjoy catching up with them from time to time, and taking a trip down Memory Lane. :)

      And yes, I think grace is such an important thing to show someone. However, there are individuals out there who are going to take advantage of you showing them grace. I have found this out the hard way more than once, and it's an unfortunate lesson to learn (and re-learn)!

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  11. Love this post, Katie, because it reminds me of a few friendships I need to nurture! I have needed to step away from many friendships in the past (in high school and early years of college, namely!) and can say those were some of the best decisions for me. Also some of the best decisions were the wonderful friendships I was blessed with and still hold dear today. Thank you, Jesus, for great friends!

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    1. Thank you, Michaela! And yes, praise Him for wonderful friends!

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  12. this is thought provoking. very interesting... and so honest. i am definitely one to want to walk away from "friendships" for selfish reasons. it is HORRIBLE. sometimes i feel like i am wasting my time with some women. and that is AWFUL of me to say... but it's true. but my husband was good to remind me that sometimes God puts certain people in our life so we can help them grow... or they can help US grow. sigh. mmmmmmm i need to discern and work on this aspect of my life more. thanks for stirring my heart! xo p.s. i'm taking your button... don't know why i don't already have it on my blog! would love to formerly introduce you to my readers some time soon!!!!

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    1. You raise a really good point, Brittany, that often we do have to be unselfish in relationships. In fact, I think that in the most natural friendships, our unselfishness is also natural, stemming from our love for that individual. It's when people have more unsavory qualities that we have to be *reminded* to be unselfish. Nurturing those friendship is incredibly important, as Christian women, I believe! It's the "friendships" that suck the life out of us, that drain us of everything we're worth that concern me ... Sometimes, we so badly want to "save" someone (figuratively, literally, whatever the case may be) that we have a hard time seeing that we are allowed to let them go, to move on in their journey ... and for us to do the same.

      I hope that makes sense. Total stream-of-consciousness writing from one very tired mama! Haha.

      And yes, I know we've talked in the past about swapping buttons; thank you for snagging mine. I am going to email you tomorrow night about putting yours up, and a Blog Spotlight post!

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